ARRRGGHHHH!!! Well, that pretty much sums up my mood the last couple of weeks, super frustrated and a little down. I have been patiently waiting, for something, anything, to indicate that this surgery was my saving grace from the constant pain I endure everyday. I know nerves take a long time to heal, but I really haven't seen much improvement over the last 7 weeks. I mean c'mon, 7 weeks is a long time to go without any noticeable changes, I feel stuck, like this is my new normal, and I need to just learn how to carry on as I am. Except, I have no desire to go on like this, I just don't see this as my future, I envision my life so differently, like "ahem" without PAIN!
In this stage of my recovery, I have two contributing factors to thank for my not so upbeat demeanor. They both just happen to be wrapped up together this upcoming weekend. First, the 9th marks 4 months from my surgery in Turkey, and second, the 10th marks two years from the day that drastically impacted and changed my life as I once knew it. My emotions are running high. Last week, I felt like I was on the verge of crying at any moment, this week, in quiet moments, my thoughts easily brings me to tears. I thought at this point I would be in a different place, I had painted a very different picture in my mind than what I am experiencing now. Perhaps my expectations were too high in this stage of recovery, and now I'm dealing with the let down, and I feel incredibly discouraged. I didn't expect my two year mark to be so similar to my 1 year mark. I thought I would be enjoying so many things that have been lost, like going to the movies again, and many other silly things that I use to take for granted. I just want to fully enjoy life again, without any restrictions.
I suppose it was my time to have a little breakdown, it's been a very long time since I've felt this discouraged and overwhelmed on my journey with PNE. This is my first "woe is me" pity party since last July, and for that I am proud of myself for staying so strong through all of this. I couldn't have done this all alone though, I have been very blessed the last few month's. For the longest time my heart was full of sincere faith, bursting with hope, and filled with overwhelming amounts of support of love. This has kept my spirits high, and my outlook clear and bright. I haven't ran completely out of hope and faith, it's still there, I feel it deep down. I still feel so much support and love from so many of you. Thank you for your continued prayers and compassion. I'm really in need of "one" just one, little tiny sign of improvement, so I can climb out of this ditch I've recently found myself in.
Although I feel like I have had enough of this, I guess I'm still learning a thing or two about patience. If by chance I figure out how to embrace patience wholeheartedly, I'll gladly share the secret! But, for some good reason, I'm sensing deep down, that it will take a lifetime of experiences before I'll completely master this quality for myself? In the meantime, nobody is perfect, and as my patience are being pushed to new limits during this time of despair, I'll refocus, and do my best to pull out some of the core values that encompasses patience in the first place. I'll take a deep breath, and come to terms with the fact that I have no control over this particular circumstance, absolutely NONE! In fact, this is a golden rule of most situations, when life unexpectedly throws chaos and turmoil our direction, it's completely out of our hands. Our job is to stay strong and keep focused on the bigger picture, and trust or have faith that all will be well in time. I know, a lot easier said than done, but I am giving it my best foot forward, because it's all I have right now. So, I will pull myself together, sit back (ha, ha I wish), relax, and wait for all the good things to unfold in it's own time, not mine. I truly believe time is the key, I know good things will happen sooner than later. I just need to remind myself to wait "patiently" and we shall soon see that having a little patience can go a long way!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Surgery Progress Jan. 19th 2013
I have made some great progress the last couple of weeks, progress that's worth posting. But first, I want to share a few lines of one of my new favorite songs. The song itself doesn't really pertain to this issue, but these couple of lines totally jumped out at me. The words and the rhythm run through my head all day, everyday, over and over again, for the last couple of weeks. It Pink's new song called Try, and here are those magic words that I can't get out of my head.
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
These few words of this song have pushed me along and has given me an edgy attitude of not giving up. I guess I owe it to Pink for getting me through the this stage of recovery. For some funny reason it's worked for me, and I'll take it.
Okay, now I'm ready to share all the good news. A couple of weeks ago I went from having PT 4 times a week to only 2 times. What a difference this makes, I love having more free days. Because everything is going so well with my foot, we were able to cut back to once a week. On the other hand, my pelvic floor PT was cut back, for the opposite reason, it was too much and was creating more pain. I now only have "ONE" more PT appointment for my foot, and then I can continue on my own with an at home program. YAY!!! After 14 very long weeks of suffering with peroneal nerve damage, the nerve is about 85% healed. I have said goodbye forever to the walking brace and the ice machine. I am able to get in most of my shoes and can walk around for a few hours with very little irritation. The water falling on my foot from the shower actually feels like water now, not sharp glass or needles. And, my foot really doesn't mind sleeping under the covers now either. Certain things running across my foot still sends shocks across my foot, and I get quick zaps or stings a few times a day. I apologize in advance if you see me with a funny expression on my face like furrowed eyebrows, or wide eyes, or gritting my teeth, I'm probably just experiencing that unpleasant shock which catches me off guard at times. It's hard to believe that I went 10 weeks straight with that intense pain, and now when it comes on for a few seconds, I get lost somewhere in between the tense muscles and forgetting to breathe. I'm so glad that the worst part is all behind me with this whole peroneal nerve issue. So, the next 15% of improvement that I'm waiting on, is sensation, and building up strength. For now I have been very happy with my progress, and I'm sure with a little more time my foot will be back to 100%.
Well, it seems just as one nerve is calming down the other one has started to act up. I have recently experienced a whole new issue in my in-betweens. For the first time since having PNE I am feeling all sorts of shocks, zaps, stings and prickly sensations. Thank goodness it's not as intense as my foot, but it's still very uncomfortable. Before surgery, I would get a feeling like tiny bugs were crawling all over in my business, I'd mostly feel this at night and on my bad days it was almost a constant buzz. It wasn't painful, just extremely annoying. Now I'm thinking I'd take that over this any day. Three month's after surgery I have moved on to a new stage of recovery with the shocks and zaps, it only lasts for a few seconds, but happens frequently, and intensifies if I sit. Now stay with me here, because this may sound surprising. When this new sensation began, I actually felt excited, because believe it or not, just like with my foot, this is a very good sign that the nerve is healing. I definitely wouldn't say this is fun, and for the first time in this whole recovery process, I'm feeling a little scared. I just don't know how long this is going to last, and I really don't want it to become any worse than what I am dealing with right now. I really hope I can make it through this stage of recovery, without completely loosing my mind. Nerves are so unpredictable, and at times it makes living with this condition a little "nerve-racking"
At three and half months post-op, this is where I am with my recovery. I am about 5-10% better. I basically feel the same as I did prior to surgery, with a couple of exceptions. I still have numbness from the surgery in some areas. I can sit flat now, I rarely lean up on my hips when I need to sit. I can't always do this, but I have made it up to an hour with sitting, it's not pain free, just a little more tolerable. Probably because when I do sit now, I no longer feel that pull or stretch like before. The constant burning is better too, I only feel the burning after PT or if I sit for too long. For the most part all of the same issues are still there. I still prefer standing over sitting, the issues with sexual dysfunction is still there, and I have a hard time getting all the things done that I normally could accomplish throughout the day. The pain is very distracting, on bad days I have little desire to do much and it's hard to stay focused, on better days it seems everything takes a lot longer to do, even if the pain is on the lower end, it still slows me way down.
Do you remember, just over a month ago I had one of the most amazing weeks. I'm so glad I wrote about it, because if it wasn't for that post I would have thought I had dreamt it all up. I'm so thankful for that week, I'm sure this will happen for me again, I just hope it sticks around a lot longer then a week next time. During that week my pain didn't get much higher then a 4 on a scale of 1-10, and since that one amazing week, I haven't been able to get it below a 5. I am a little surprised by this, it has been 5 weeks, and not even one day has come close to where I was then. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm probably over thinking this matter, on trying to figure out what was going on at that time to make everything so much better. I'm going to have my PT go back and review our routine and start with that. Maybe I should just stop worrying about it, because I'll never make sense of what the nerve really is up to. They truly do have a mind of their own.
Oh ya, one more piece of good news, I gave our two weeks notice to the daycare yesterday. I wasn't sure what to do with my youngest while we were away, and during my recovery time. A couple of weeks before we left for Turkey, we enrolled him in daycare for three days a week to help lighten the load. Once we returned home I thought it was best to keep him enrolled, I was not in the best position to be looking after my busy little buddy all day on my own. Now that PT isn't taking up so much of my time, I'm feeling like I can get back into a normal routine with my three year old. I am so excited to be at a point where I can care for my little guy again, and he is so happy that he gets to stay home and play with his mommy all day long.
There you have it all. I'm just going to keep on looking forward and hope in the next couple of months my pudendal nerve starts showing some impressive improvements.
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
These few words of this song have pushed me along and has given me an edgy attitude of not giving up. I guess I owe it to Pink for getting me through the this stage of recovery. For some funny reason it's worked for me, and I'll take it.
Okay, now I'm ready to share all the good news. A couple of weeks ago I went from having PT 4 times a week to only 2 times. What a difference this makes, I love having more free days. Because everything is going so well with my foot, we were able to cut back to once a week. On the other hand, my pelvic floor PT was cut back, for the opposite reason, it was too much and was creating more pain. I now only have "ONE" more PT appointment for my foot, and then I can continue on my own with an at home program. YAY!!! After 14 very long weeks of suffering with peroneal nerve damage, the nerve is about 85% healed. I have said goodbye forever to the walking brace and the ice machine. I am able to get in most of my shoes and can walk around for a few hours with very little irritation. The water falling on my foot from the shower actually feels like water now, not sharp glass or needles. And, my foot really doesn't mind sleeping under the covers now either. Certain things running across my foot still sends shocks across my foot, and I get quick zaps or stings a few times a day. I apologize in advance if you see me with a funny expression on my face like furrowed eyebrows, or wide eyes, or gritting my teeth, I'm probably just experiencing that unpleasant shock which catches me off guard at times. It's hard to believe that I went 10 weeks straight with that intense pain, and now when it comes on for a few seconds, I get lost somewhere in between the tense muscles and forgetting to breathe. I'm so glad that the worst part is all behind me with this whole peroneal nerve issue. So, the next 15% of improvement that I'm waiting on, is sensation, and building up strength. For now I have been very happy with my progress, and I'm sure with a little more time my foot will be back to 100%.
Well, it seems just as one nerve is calming down the other one has started to act up. I have recently experienced a whole new issue in my in-betweens. For the first time since having PNE I am feeling all sorts of shocks, zaps, stings and prickly sensations. Thank goodness it's not as intense as my foot, but it's still very uncomfortable. Before surgery, I would get a feeling like tiny bugs were crawling all over in my business, I'd mostly feel this at night and on my bad days it was almost a constant buzz. It wasn't painful, just extremely annoying. Now I'm thinking I'd take that over this any day. Three month's after surgery I have moved on to a new stage of recovery with the shocks and zaps, it only lasts for a few seconds, but happens frequently, and intensifies if I sit. Now stay with me here, because this may sound surprising. When this new sensation began, I actually felt excited, because believe it or not, just like with my foot, this is a very good sign that the nerve is healing. I definitely wouldn't say this is fun, and for the first time in this whole recovery process, I'm feeling a little scared. I just don't know how long this is going to last, and I really don't want it to become any worse than what I am dealing with right now. I really hope I can make it through this stage of recovery, without completely loosing my mind. Nerves are so unpredictable, and at times it makes living with this condition a little "nerve-racking"
At three and half months post-op, this is where I am with my recovery. I am about 5-10% better. I basically feel the same as I did prior to surgery, with a couple of exceptions. I still have numbness from the surgery in some areas. I can sit flat now, I rarely lean up on my hips when I need to sit. I can't always do this, but I have made it up to an hour with sitting, it's not pain free, just a little more tolerable. Probably because when I do sit now, I no longer feel that pull or stretch like before. The constant burning is better too, I only feel the burning after PT or if I sit for too long. For the most part all of the same issues are still there. I still prefer standing over sitting, the issues with sexual dysfunction is still there, and I have a hard time getting all the things done that I normally could accomplish throughout the day. The pain is very distracting, on bad days I have little desire to do much and it's hard to stay focused, on better days it seems everything takes a lot longer to do, even if the pain is on the lower end, it still slows me way down.
Do you remember, just over a month ago I had one of the most amazing weeks. I'm so glad I wrote about it, because if it wasn't for that post I would have thought I had dreamt it all up. I'm so thankful for that week, I'm sure this will happen for me again, I just hope it sticks around a lot longer then a week next time. During that week my pain didn't get much higher then a 4 on a scale of 1-10, and since that one amazing week, I haven't been able to get it below a 5. I am a little surprised by this, it has been 5 weeks, and not even one day has come close to where I was then. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm probably over thinking this matter, on trying to figure out what was going on at that time to make everything so much better. I'm going to have my PT go back and review our routine and start with that. Maybe I should just stop worrying about it, because I'll never make sense of what the nerve really is up to. They truly do have a mind of their own.
Oh ya, one more piece of good news, I gave our two weeks notice to the daycare yesterday. I wasn't sure what to do with my youngest while we were away, and during my recovery time. A couple of weeks before we left for Turkey, we enrolled him in daycare for three days a week to help lighten the load. Once we returned home I thought it was best to keep him enrolled, I was not in the best position to be looking after my busy little buddy all day on my own. Now that PT isn't taking up so much of my time, I'm feeling like I can get back into a normal routine with my three year old. I am so excited to be at a point where I can care for my little guy again, and he is so happy that he gets to stay home and play with his mommy all day long.
There you have it all. I'm just going to keep on looking forward and hope in the next couple of months my pudendal nerve starts showing some impressive improvements.
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