ARRRGGHHHH!!! Well, that pretty much sums up my mood the last couple of weeks, super frustrated and a little down. I have been patiently waiting, for something, anything, to indicate that this surgery was my saving grace from the constant pain I endure everyday. I know nerves take a long time to heal, but I really haven't seen much improvement over the last 7 weeks. I mean c'mon, 7 weeks is a long time to go without any noticeable changes, I feel stuck, like this is my new normal, and I need to just learn how to carry on as I am. Except, I have no desire to go on like this, I just don't see this as my future, I envision my life so differently, like "ahem" without PAIN!
In this stage of my recovery, I have two contributing factors to thank for my not so upbeat demeanor. They both just happen to be wrapped up together this upcoming weekend. First, the 9th marks 4 months from my surgery in Turkey, and second, the 10th marks two years from the day that drastically impacted and changed my life as I once knew it. My emotions are running high. Last week, I felt like I was on the verge of crying at any moment, this week, in quiet moments, my thoughts easily brings me to tears. I thought at this point I would be in a different place, I had painted a very different picture in my mind than what I am experiencing now. Perhaps my expectations were too high in this stage of recovery, and now I'm dealing with the let down, and I feel incredibly discouraged. I didn't expect my two year mark to be so similar to my 1 year mark. I thought I would be enjoying so many things that have been lost, like going to the movies again, and many other silly things that I use to take for granted. I just want to fully enjoy life again, without any restrictions.
I suppose it was my time to have a little breakdown, it's been a very long time since I've felt this discouraged and overwhelmed on my journey with PNE. This is my first "woe is me" pity party since last July, and for that I am proud of myself for staying so strong through all of this. I couldn't have done this all alone though, I have been very blessed the last few month's. For the longest time my heart was full of sincere faith, bursting with hope, and filled with overwhelming amounts of support of love. This has kept my spirits high, and my outlook clear and bright. I haven't ran completely out of hope and faith, it's still there, I feel it deep down. I still feel so much support and love from so many of you. Thank you for your continued prayers and compassion. I'm really in need of "one" just one, little tiny sign of improvement, so I can climb out of this ditch I've recently found myself in.
Although I feel like I have had enough of this, I guess I'm still learning a thing or two about patience. If by chance I figure out how to embrace patience wholeheartedly, I'll gladly share the secret! But, for some good reason, I'm sensing deep down, that it will take a lifetime of experiences before I'll completely master this quality for myself? In the meantime, nobody is perfect, and as my patience are being pushed to new limits during this time of despair, I'll refocus, and do my best to pull out some of the core values that encompasses patience in the first place. I'll take a deep breath, and come to terms with the fact that I have no control over this particular circumstance, absolutely NONE! In fact, this is a golden rule of most situations, when life unexpectedly throws chaos and turmoil our direction, it's completely out of our hands. Our job is to stay strong and keep focused on the bigger picture, and trust or have faith that all will be well in time. I know, a lot easier said than done, but I am giving it my best foot forward, because it's all I have right now. So, I will pull myself together, sit back (ha, ha I wish), relax, and wait for all the good things to unfold in it's own time, not mine. I truly believe time is the key, I know good things will happen sooner than later. I just need to remind myself to wait "patiently" and we shall soon see that having a little patience can go a long way!
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