A New Year And A New Me

     Hallelujah! I'm so happy that today officially marks the beginning of a new year filled with brand new opportunities and experiences. Although 2013 has come to an end, I will surely never forget it...what a year it has been.

      At the beginning of last year I felt hopeful, deep down I knew things would get better, I just needed to be patient. One problem though...patience and pain don't exactly get along. This made for a very long and challenging year as I waited, and waited to see how this damaged nerve of mine would recover and heal. Patience has taught me so much. What a difference one year can make. I can look back and see that I have come a long way. This last year I overcame obstacles that I didn't expect, I grew and discovered new things about myself, and I've healed in more ways than one.

     As the holiday season quickly approached this year, there was a stark comparison from two years ago, to last year, and this one. This comparison has taught me that no matter how difficult life may get at times, never give up, look forward, have hope, and most importantly have faith.

     Don't under estimate the power of faith, it is through faith that we are healed in more ways than one. Faith blesses our lives with the tender mercies that get us through each and every hardship we are faced with. Faith has blessed me with an indescribable amount of strength and patience. Faith has guided me, comforted me, pushed me forward, showed me a new way, brought happiness, inspired me, humbled me, and reminded me time and time again that everything would be okay.

     This time two years ago I was in a complete state of despair. I had spent close to a year living with chronic and debilitating pelvic pain. Even after traveling out of state to consult with a specialist, there were still so many unanswered questions, and too many unknowns. I was overwhelmed and heart broken from the limitations and restrictions this damaged nerve had caused. I couldn't drive most days. I couldn't leave my house to run errands and shop by myself. I couldn't lift and bend to clean the house and decorate for my favorite holiday. I couldn't stand in the kitchen to bake and prepare holiday dishes. I couldn't comfortably sit, at all, anywhere, not even for a minute. If I attempted a normal everyday task, it would land me in bed for days at a time. Most days I was confined to my bed as the sounds of life continued to flow and echo throughout the house. I felt like my entire life had been destroyed from PNE, and that I would never find or feel happiness again. Chronic pain steals so much, I felt miserable, and lonely, everyday was a constant struggle. In my mind I had been sentenced to a life time of pain. Life seemed dim, it took everything in me to get through my days that first year, and I didn't know how much more I could take before I'd have nothing else to give. It was a year about surviving and desperately clinging on to what had been lost in hopes that it would all be restored again.

     Last holiday season, although I was still suffering with the same pain and some, I found myself on a whole new path. After 20 long and exhausting months, I was relieved to have found a surgeon that could help me. Even though this meant traveling to the other side of the world, I knew it was my only chance of regaining a life of normalcy. I truly believed with time things were going to get better for me. I still couldn't do many of the same traditional holiday things last year, but my spirits were high and I enjoyed every last minute of Christmas. My hope had been restored, things were looking up, and I felt happy despite the challenges I faced. Last year was a year about hope, exercising my faith, happiness, healing, and thriving.

     This holiday season was truly a gift. Who knew this year's path of faith and healing would have brought me so far. I would have never believed two years ago I would be where I'm at today...it seemed nearly impossible. I am doing more and more, and feeling grateful for the progress that's been made. I am feeling less pain and getting stronger with time. I am no longer spending my days in bed. I am, for the most part, actively involved and spending time with my family again. I carried totes of Christmas decorations in from the garage, I decorated to my hearts content, I baked, and shopped, and pushed heavy shopping carts around, as I drove from store to store gathering gifts for my family. Sometimes my pain would creep up, but nothing that a few stretches and a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. Everything has drastically improved for me. This year was about having faith, patience, strength, accomplishments, milestones, feeling humble, and yes, more healing.

     As this new year begins, I am once again finding myself on a new path. This time the path seems more familiar, one I know all to well and feel more comfortable on. It's a path that brings me joy, and a sense of contentment. My heart is full of gratitude as I look forward to what this year will offer. I am confident this year will give me exactly what I need and want. My deepest desire for this year is to feel carefree again.

     This next year the PNE chapter of my life will continue, the story has not ended...it will go on. But I'm choosing to change the focus towards me rather than PNE. I'm no longer seeking answers, waiting months at a time to consult with only a handful of PNE specialist in the U.S., enduring painful procedures, appealing insurance claims, researching experimental treatments, deciphering between the limited surgical options offered as a way to ease the pain, traveling out of the country for surgery, and waiting to recover. I've been there, and done that. I'm in a better place, and I'm ready to move forward and leave it all behind me.

     For almost three years PNE has robbed me of a carefree life. My life has been anything but worry and problem free. I'm not talking flat tires, and lost keys, spilled milk on a laptop, or opening the dryer to realize someones pockets weren't emptied, and finding gum stuck to the inside of the dryer and every single last piece of clothing kind of problems. In comparison these things, while annoying, seem so little and silly now. I'm talking about completely unexpected, life altering, and I have no clue what to do, I can't do this, make this go away, kind of problems. I'm ready to break free and just be me again.

     I'm trading the tears and heartache for more smiles and laughter. I'm trading Dr. appointments and PT appointments for a clean house and days at the park or shopping in my favorite stores. I'm trading medical expenses for vacation expenses. And, I'm trading what's been lost, for a I'm thankful for what I still have attitude. It's time to move on, it's time to live and enjoy life again. This year is not going to be a "me and PNE" kind of year any longer. It's consumed me for too long, this year will rather be about me...just me, and me easing back into a carefree kind of lifestyle again. Free from troubles... free from heartache...free from worries...free from PNE.

I'm letting go and I'm ready to be carefree!