PNE Is Life Altering, Simple Pleasures Lost

     PNE had already taken so much from me and my family by this point, and now our future with PNE was going to take a lot of adjusting, not just for me, but for my family too. All of the things I hadn't been able to do for the last four months was really starting to add up. I'm not sure I'd ever realized all the adjustments one would have to go through when suffering through debilitating chronic pain, plus losing the ability to sit. I didn't even know it was possible that a person could lose this ability!  Here are some of the basic everyday things that I took for granted prior to PNE.

     First, family dinner, when you can't sit down with your family to eat it starts to make you feel like your not a part of the family, While they're all sitting around the table, I'm standing at the counter by myself, not fun.

     Second, reading or playing with your kids. To just sit on the couch, their bed or the floor to read with my kids was not even an option. Many books ended up in my bed, where I spent much of my time, sometimes we would lay on our tummy's on the family room floor, or I would stand at the counter and they would sit on the bar stools for homework or other things. Definitely not as cozy. I had a one and a half year old at the time, he loved reading books, he would always slap his hand on the couch and demand for me to sit. This was his little way of telling me he wanted a story read to him or to just be held. I would have to redirect him to the floor to our tummy's, he did adjust to this new style, but seemed a little confused at first. Most of  his toys required the need to sit down next to him, and help with sorting and placement, we would lay on our tummy's for this too. Although laying on my tummy was a lot more comfortable than sitting on my tush, laying on the stomach can start to become very uncomfortable too. My one year old had the hardest time of all of my kids with me not being able to sit. That took away climbing onto my lap to cuddle or comfort him, it took away those tender moments we share with our little ones, when you can hold them in your arms and take their sweet little beings in with every breath. He would climb up on a stool or chair and scream "hold me!" He learned that was the only way I could, with something else supporting his weight. It still breaks my heart knowing how much his life had changed, and everything I lost out on with my last baby.
 
     Third, going to church, that's three hours of sitting. I was lucky if I could make it through the first twenty minutes before needing to get up and stand in the back. I didn't like standing in the back all by myself, I felt silly and lonely. I would usually leave after sacrament meeting, because standing in one place for too long created a lot of pressure and pain. I didn't like missing out on my church meetings, I started to feel I was no longer a part of this huge organization that shaped and influenced me, in all that I did, and all that I was.

     Fourth, going to the movies, with my family or just my husband. I just couldn't do it. So I would have to say no when the kids begged to go see something that had just came out. We had a friend call and invite us to the drive-ins. Not even thinking I said "sure" that sounds fun" and told her we would be there. After sometime I realized "wait, I can't do that, I can't sit," and that's just too long to stand. So off the family went without me. I remember the movie Cars 2 was coming out, and the kids knew we would all go to see that together. I remember the pre-views would air on TV for a few months before coming to the theaters. The kids were so excited, the movie was opening in June, I thought for sure I'd be sitting by then. Nope, my family had to go without me again.

     Fifth, Our annual snowmobiling vacation to Island Park, the kids look so forward to this trip every year. When I went in for surgery we looked at the dates to see if this would change our trip that year. I would be 5 weeks post-op, by the time our trip arrived, we thought that would be plenty of time for me to recover...Nope! Watching my family pull out of the driveway without me was so heartbreaking. Even a couple of days prior, after learning I was unable to go with them that year, one of my children said "well it's settled, if mom can't go, then none of us go, it's a family vacation, and we have to go as a family." He really meant it, he was so sweet. I had to talk him into going without me and he really struggled with that decision.

     Along with all the big things came a lot of small things too. I had signed up to help with one of my children's field trips. It was a month away, I didn't even occur to me that it would be a problem by the time I was needed. My little guy was so disappointed when I was unable to go, the field trip was a play at the children's theater, there was no way I could this. I called the teacher because sometimes they have plenty of volunteers, but not this time, so I called my mom and she filled in for me. Thank you mom!

     I missed sitting around our fire pit on late spring nights, and sitting on the glider of our front porch, I missed going on bike rides, and sitting at the counter every morning to read the paper, I missed sitting in the bathroom and watching my baby play during bath time, and sitting to go out to eat. I really missed the intimate connection meant just for me and my husband. To lay next to the man I love so dearly night after night, knowing my hearts deepest desire had been taken away from me, and may never be fulfilled again, well there really are no words.

     All of this in four months, it was really hard. I just wanted nothing more, then to "sit" down and relax, and to hang out with family and friends like a normal person. The only thing that made it easier was that I thought it was all temporary. Then I learned my condition was actually a permanent situation, and I seen all the great things in life pass right by me, no more simple pleasures. The fact that I would never sit for the three hours of church again, or sit down to play games with the kids, or go to a movie, or ride a bike, or go to the hair salon, and take a road trip or go on vacation was too hard to imagine. It all seemed completely unfair. The thought of my family doing any of this without me while I just sat on sidelines, was a hard pill to swallow, but I couldn't ask them not to do any of this just because I couldn't. So life goes on, even though I am unable to move along with it.