When Hope Is Shattered (Part 1)

     Today I needed to go pick-up some medical records for my upcoming surgery in Turkey.  As I walked through the doors and towards the elevator a flood a emotions grabbed a hold of me. I was reminded of my first experience visiting this doctors office. This was the appointment that I will never forget, this was the appointment that I first heard the words pudendal nerve entrapment, this was the appointment I learned that I had a chronic pelvic pain condition in my in-betweens, and that it was going to be a long time before I would feel better and maybe even never.

     The news came four months after surgery, and by the fourth month I was exhausted and getting frustrated with what seemed to be a very long and slow recovery, but oddly I really hadn't lost much hope. Walking into my appointment that day I still naively believed I was going to get better with some more time. I thought the doctor would have some simple solution to offer and soon everything would be just as it should, back to normal. However, somehow the surgery that was only suppose to be a 4-6 week recovery had turned into four months. At this appointment she almost immediately diagnosed me with PNE and soon all of my hopes and dreams were shattered as she explained my condition more in depth.

     I remember so vividly the word "years" it felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach. Hasn't four months been long enough? How am I supposed to do this for YEARS? I tried so hard to hold back the tears, everything inside was tightening up into one big knot, I felt the big lump in my throat start to form, that's a sure sign the tears are going to start streaming down my face. I was in complete shock, I couldn't breathe, I kept saying to myself keep it together, just keep it together. She walked me out to the front desk, and as hard as I was trying to put on a brave face I know I wasn't doing so well. She reached out to give me what I thought might be a hug, but instead she rubbed my shoulder, I noticed her teary eyes as she said "it will be okay, we will figure this out."

     I just wanted to run and hide. It seemed impossible to walk out of the office doors, down the hallway, and to the elevators all while trying my hardest to keep it together. I just wanted to be alone, where I could have a moment to be whatever it was that I was feeling. The second the office doors closed behind me I completely broke down and lost it, I couldn't hold myself together a second longer. A continuous flow of tears began rolling down my cheeks and falling to my feet. I walked down the hallway and to the elevator trying my hardest to make the tears stop, but I just couldn't. I quickly pushed the elevator button and prayed no one would be joining me as I waited to get on. The elevator chimed, feeling relieved that I was still the only one standing there I anxiously waited for the doors to open. As soon as the doors opened I quickly realize that there are people inside the elevator, and those people on the elevator were now watching me cry uncontrollably. I hesitated, feeling embarrassed I looked for the stairs hoping to find a fast getaway, but I couldn't see any, there was no escape. I panic, what am I going to do? Should I wait for the next one? Would it be empty or filled with even more people? Sensing if I politely declined to get on at that moment that I might run the risk of bumping into even more people in my vulnerable state, I reluctantly stepped inside the elevator in an effort to avoid anymore awkwardness. The doors close, already feeling completely humiliated by my unsuccessful attempt at hiding my emotions, my damaged ego and shattered heart begin the shameful descend down. Feeling more trapped than ever, I wanted so desperately to get outside for some fresh air, and quick.

     However, what happened next is one of those moments in life when someone reaches out and truly touches your heart quite unexpectedly. The two perfect strangers that just happen to cross my path in the elevator at that very moment really surprised me. Most people would turn a blind eye in an awkward situation like this, but no, not these two ladies. In the few seconds ride down they managed to grab my hand, express their empathy, give me a hug, and tell me that I was going to be okay and that I would get through this. All while I'm sobbing uncontrollably and unable to speak any words, only nodding to let them know I heard them. They really had no idea why I was in such a state of hysteria and despair. Only minutes ago I'd been given a diagnoses which essentially sentenced me to a lifetime of unimaginable pelvic nerve pain, but without any questions or hesitation they were there to comfort and console me during that most difficult time. Amazing how life can give you exactly what you need when you're least expecting it. Thank you two special ladies in the elevator! Thanks for taking the time to express some unexpected, yet truly needed empathy. I'll always remember your compassion and encouragement.

So, as you see, I guess the elevators in that medical office are an emotional trigger for me. It's a feeling of deep sadness wrapped up in the kindness and pure love offered from two complete strangers. Re-entering that elevator today was a perfect reminder to me that even in our darkest moments we are not alone.

 (to be continued...)